I’ve Never Shit My Pants and Apparently That’s an Achievement Now

So I’m sitting there, minding my own business—doing literally nothing productive, as one does—and out of nowhere, my wife LErin looks at me dead serious and says, “You know, it’s kind of impressive you’ve never shit your pants.”

What do you even say to that?

Thanks? Congratulations to my colon?

I’m now reevaluating my life achievements. Not pooping myself is apparently high on the list. Somewhere between “didn’t die in a trampoline accident” and “once ate salad voluntarily.”

But before I can fully process this bowel-themed compliment, Erin just starts going off about horror movies. Like mid-thought. She pivoted from “good job not crapping yourself” to “you know what movie traumatized me? Hereditary.”

No segue. No context. Just straight chaos. Which, honestly, I respect. ADHD isn’t a disorder—it’s a lifestyle.

So now I’m spiralling in five directions:

• Am I supposed to be proud of my pristine pants record?

• Do I need to rewatch Hereditary?

• Did I forget to take my meds today?

• Why is Lisa so comfortable talking about bowel failure like it’s a casual metric of success?

• And most importantly: do normal couples talk about this stuff or is this just us?

Anyway. Moral of the story? Celebrate the little things. Like continence. And spouses who make you question your grip on reality.

Tyler out.