It's Literally Right There, But Go Off I Guess

You ever get that call?

“Hey, I can’t find it. I looked everywhere.”

And you know—you know—they didn’t look anywhere.

Because it’s in the box.

The clearly labeled box.

The box you put it in.

The box you told them about.

The box that says THE EXACT NAME OF THE THING THEY ARE LOOKING FOR.

But instead of using their adult eyeballs, they used their chaos aura to just stand vaguely near the box and absorb nothing.

So now, I’m driving.

It’s my day off. I’m wearing inside clothes. I was horizontal. I had snacks lined up. I was in the middle of not existing responsibly. And now I’m in the car, back in public, fulfilling my destiny as The Finder of Things That Are Not Lost.

I arrive. I walk in. I go to the spot. I open the box.

I say, “This one?”

They go, “Oh. Well. It wasn’t there when I looked.”

When you looked

WHEN YOU LOOKED??

I didn’t teleport it in. I didn’t sneak in like a hoodie-wearing supply fairy and whisper it into existence.

It was THERE.

It’s BEEN there.

You didn’t look. You did a vibe-based scan of the room and decided you were cursed.

And now, I get to drive all the way back, burning gas and will to live, thinking about how I was pulled from the void to hand someone the labeled object that sat at eye level like a shrine to my deteriorating patience.

If I die early, tell them it was because someone couldn’t find the duct tape even though it was in the drawer labeled “DUCT TAPE.”

Tyler,

Who Is Now Deeply Unavailable Emotionally